O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Psalm 139: 1-6
I have never been able to grasp the concept that God is everywhere, all the time, for everyone. I don't think my earthly mind will ever be able to comprehend that. Part of me is overwhelmed at the thought. There is nowhere I can go that He can't see me. When I do things that I know God wouldn't approve of I tend to stop thinking about Him. My small brain rationalizes that if I can't see Him than He can't see me.
Have you ever played hide and seek with a little child? They will go and "hide" right in the middle of a room, but, they cover their eyes. In their mind "I can't see them so they can't see me". I always laughed when my kids did this. I would walk around pretending that I couldn't find them and they would giggle, uncover their eyes and say "here I am mommy!" I remember thinking "someday they will figure out that even though they can't see me, I can still see them".
I wonder how long God has been thinking this way about me. I can just imagine Him lovingly saying "you can close your eyes, keep your mind busy and focus on anything other than Me but I never, ever take my eyes off of you.
God has been pursuing me for quite a while. Every time I would turn on music there would be a song that was speaking directly to my heart. I would initially think "wow, God did that just for me" but then I would quickly change the channel or turn the music off. I didn't want to be that close to Him. If I became that close to Him then He would allow more bad things to happen in my life. After all, just before being diagnosed with cancer I had prayed for Him to "mess with me" - to do whatever it took to bring me closer to Him.
He wouldn't give up though. The songs continued, scriptures jumped out at me and I started reading devotional books that felt like they had been written just for me. Everything I was seeing and hearing brought it all into focus. God wasn't pursuing me to bring more pain to my life - He is pursuing me because He loves me. No strings attached. He created me and He knows what is best for me. If more suffering lies ahead I would rather go through it with God than try to struggle through it on my own in a state of denial.
One of the books I'm reading right now is The Purpose Driven Life. It has helped me to realize that God created me for a reason, there is so much more to life than the here and now, and this world is not my home. It's not about me - it's all for Him. I just finished reading day 12 and it was very powerful. The topic was "I'm as close to God as I choose to be".
One paragraph really jumped out at me - "Pain is the fuel of passion - it energizes us with an intensity to change that we don't normally possess". That is so completely true. The times that I have grown the most in my relationship with God have been during the times of trials and suffering. They were the times that everything in my life was completely out of my hands. The only area I had control of was surrendering everything to Him. As the trials slowly fade away though I start taking control back and before I know it I have taken everything back into my own tightly grasped hands. I'm starting to understand that when my hands are closed over my problems I'm pushing God out and also preventing the blessings that He wants to give me. I'm so focused on my grip that nothing else matters.
What I want more than anything else is to have a close authentic relationship with God. I want to be aware of His presence all the time - as if He were literally standing right next to me - during good times and bad times. I know this won't just happen on its own. It will take a long time (even a lifetime) and I will make mistakes, lots of them. I still have fears of what the future may hold, but I'm not holding onto those fears. I gave those fears to God and in return He gave me His peace.
I'm not sure but I think God wants me to share this journey through this blog. I initially thought He wanted me to bring the good news to those who have not heard it. But maybe there are a lot of you out there that are a lot like me - we have heard the good news but we've forgotten it.
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:11-12
Sunday, August 22, 2010: A New Journey . . .
About a month ago I was visiting a neighbor that was in the hospital. She had battled cancer 4 1/2 years ago and now it was back. And it was bad. Although I didn't know her very well we had a connection - the cancer connection. When she talked to me she would often stop and say "you understand" and I would smile and say "yes, I do". Cancer brings ugly moments to our lives. Talking about these moments with someone who has "been there, done that" helps. It reminds that we are not alone. And we know that they understand. All too well.
I really didn't know much about Liz but the one thing I did know was that she said it like it was. She wasn't afraid to share her opinion with you. Although I respected this about her ~ it also intimidated me. I was afraid that if I shared something that she didn't agree with she may yell at me. Well, she wouldn't yell at me ~ she would simply state why she didn't agree with me but in my mind she would be telling me that I was wrong. And there would be conflict. I hate conflict. Yes, I have issues, but that is an entirely different story.
So, when God prompted me to share some bible verses with her at the hospital I was really nervous. During a previous visit she had told me that although she knew how important my faith was to me she wasn't in that same place. It was clear that she didn't want me to talk about anything "religious" but that she just needed someone to listen. So that's what I did.
On the way to the hospital my heart was pounding. I knew God wanted me to read her the verses but I was afraid that I was going to upset her or that I would chicken out. Thankfully, I didn't. At the end of our visit I asked her if it would be okay if I read her a couple verses from the bible. She smiled and said "yes". Phew!! The verses that I shared with her are from Romans 10:
That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (Verse 9)
How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" (Verse 14-15)
After I read the verses I told Liz that God had put it on my heart to read those verses to her. I wanted her to know the good news of salvation and that God wanted my 'beautiful feet' to be the ones to bring this good news to her.
I didn't realize it then but He didn't just want her to hear those verses ~ He wanted me to hear them as well. It would take me another month or so to figure all this out. A month with a lot of thinking, praying, denying, tears, acceptance and a great big "a ha!" moment.
I have been to four funerals in the past four months. Funerals are such a vivid reminder of how temporary our lives are. Instead of letting these funerals remind me of this and how important it is to share the good news I let the enemy use them to get inside my head and my heart. I gave up, I shut down, I figured "what's the point?" I could hear God calling me, especially through music, but I just tuned out. God wouldn't give up on me though - He just kept chipping away at the wall that I had put up.
I have finally taken my ear plugs out and I am listening. My wall has been taken down but I know it is still close by ready to be pulled around me like a security blanket. If only my earthly mind could comprehend how much better it is to be wrapped in God's love.
I started this blog as a place to share the "good news" and what God is teaching me. My life is messy but being a Christian and following God can be a messy thing. Today I choose to be the hands and feet of Jesus - my hands to type and my feet to bring good news. I'm not sure where God is leading me with this but I know a new journey has begun. I'm not naive - I know there are struggles ahead. Lots of struggles. But, the final battle has already been won.
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:57-58
I really didn't know much about Liz but the one thing I did know was that she said it like it was. She wasn't afraid to share her opinion with you. Although I respected this about her ~ it also intimidated me. I was afraid that if I shared something that she didn't agree with she may yell at me. Well, she wouldn't yell at me ~ she would simply state why she didn't agree with me but in my mind she would be telling me that I was wrong. And there would be conflict. I hate conflict. Yes, I have issues, but that is an entirely different story.
So, when God prompted me to share some bible verses with her at the hospital I was really nervous. During a previous visit she had told me that although she knew how important my faith was to me she wasn't in that same place. It was clear that she didn't want me to talk about anything "religious" but that she just needed someone to listen. So that's what I did.
On the way to the hospital my heart was pounding. I knew God wanted me to read her the verses but I was afraid that I was going to upset her or that I would chicken out. Thankfully, I didn't. At the end of our visit I asked her if it would be okay if I read her a couple verses from the bible. She smiled and said "yes". Phew!! The verses that I shared with her are from Romans 10:
That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (Verse 9)
How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" (Verse 14-15)
After I read the verses I told Liz that God had put it on my heart to read those verses to her. I wanted her to know the good news of salvation and that God wanted my 'beautiful feet' to be the ones to bring this good news to her.
I didn't realize it then but He didn't just want her to hear those verses ~ He wanted me to hear them as well. It would take me another month or so to figure all this out. A month with a lot of thinking, praying, denying, tears, acceptance and a great big "a ha!" moment.
I have been to four funerals in the past four months. Funerals are such a vivid reminder of how temporary our lives are. Instead of letting these funerals remind me of this and how important it is to share the good news I let the enemy use them to get inside my head and my heart. I gave up, I shut down, I figured "what's the point?" I could hear God calling me, especially through music, but I just tuned out. God wouldn't give up on me though - He just kept chipping away at the wall that I had put up.
I have finally taken my ear plugs out and I am listening. My wall has been taken down but I know it is still close by ready to be pulled around me like a security blanket. If only my earthly mind could comprehend how much better it is to be wrapped in God's love.
I started this blog as a place to share the "good news" and what God is teaching me. My life is messy but being a Christian and following God can be a messy thing. Today I choose to be the hands and feet of Jesus - my hands to type and my feet to bring good news. I'm not sure where God is leading me with this but I know a new journey has begun. I'm not naive - I know there are struggles ahead. Lots of struggles. But, the final battle has already been won.
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:57-58
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