O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Psalm 139: 1-6
I have never been able to grasp the concept that God is everywhere, all the time, for everyone. I don't think my earthly mind will ever be able to comprehend that. Part of me is overwhelmed at the thought. There is nowhere I can go that He can't see me. When I do things that I know God wouldn't approve of I tend to stop thinking about Him. My small brain rationalizes that if I can't see Him than He can't see me.
Have you ever played hide and seek with a little child? They will go and "hide" right in the middle of a room, but, they cover their eyes. In their mind "I can't see them so they can't see me". I always laughed when my kids did this. I would walk around pretending that I couldn't find them and they would giggle, uncover their eyes and say "here I am mommy!" I remember thinking "someday they will figure out that even though they can't see me, I can still see them".
I wonder how long God has been thinking this way about me. I can just imagine Him lovingly saying "you can close your eyes, keep your mind busy and focus on anything other than Me but I never, ever take my eyes off of you.
God has been pursuing me for quite a while. Every time I would turn on music there would be a song that was speaking directly to my heart. I would initially think "wow, God did that just for me" but then I would quickly change the channel or turn the music off. I didn't want to be that close to Him. If I became that close to Him then He would allow more bad things to happen in my life. After all, just before being diagnosed with cancer I had prayed for Him to "mess with me" - to do whatever it took to bring me closer to Him.
He wouldn't give up though. The songs continued, scriptures jumped out at me and I started reading devotional books that felt like they had been written just for me. Everything I was seeing and hearing brought it all into focus. God wasn't pursuing me to bring more pain to my life - He is pursuing me because He loves me. No strings attached. He created me and He knows what is best for me. If more suffering lies ahead I would rather go through it with God than try to struggle through it on my own in a state of denial.
One of the books I'm reading right now is The Purpose Driven Life. It has helped me to realize that God created me for a reason, there is so much more to life than the here and now, and this world is not my home. It's not about me - it's all for Him. I just finished reading day 12 and it was very powerful. The topic was "I'm as close to God as I choose to be".
One paragraph really jumped out at me - "Pain is the fuel of passion - it energizes us with an intensity to change that we don't normally possess". That is so completely true. The times that I have grown the most in my relationship with God have been during the times of trials and suffering. They were the times that everything in my life was completely out of my hands. The only area I had control of was surrendering everything to Him. As the trials slowly fade away though I start taking control back and before I know it I have taken everything back into my own tightly grasped hands. I'm starting to understand that when my hands are closed over my problems I'm pushing God out and also preventing the blessings that He wants to give me. I'm so focused on my grip that nothing else matters.
What I want more than anything else is to have a close authentic relationship with God. I want to be aware of His presence all the time - as if He were literally standing right next to me - during good times and bad times. I know this won't just happen on its own. It will take a long time (even a lifetime) and I will make mistakes, lots of them. I still have fears of what the future may hold, but I'm not holding onto those fears. I gave those fears to God and in return He gave me His peace.
I'm not sure but I think God wants me to share this journey through this blog. I initially thought He wanted me to bring the good news to those who have not heard it. But maybe there are a lot of you out there that are a lot like me - we have heard the good news but we've forgotten it.
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:11-12
Oh Kristi- I can not believe sometime how alike our minds and hearts are...the way you talk and say your struggle with God, believe with such passion but your human will gets in the way...that is so me...know that I am hear for you and know that you are not alone.Thanks for sharing and opening up your hear with us. You are a blessing.
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