Have you ever heard the phrase "it's a jeep thing - you wouldn't understand"? We own a jeep and I still don't understand. I don't often drive it but when I do there is one rule that I am required to follow ~ if another jeep drives by I have to do the jeep wave. This is not an option. Brian does not want his jeep getting a bad reputation. So, if I'm driving down the road and a jeep is coming towards me I must do the jeep wave. Even if it is man driving the other jeep. I'm required to wave to at men that I don't know because my husband told me to. There are just some things that I will never understand.
A few years ago I had a "God thing" that I didn't understand. I had experienced a very real dream and could remember every detail when I woke up but I had no idea what it meant.
In my dream I was in a church with all our friends and family. Brian and I were going to renew our vows and I was so excited. I was all dressed up in my wedding gown and as I walked into the sanctuary I noticed that everyone else was walking around in blue jeans and t-shirts. No one was paying attention to me and I was so frustrated. I kept asking people "why aren't you ready yet"? I couldn't figure out why I was the only one dressed and ready to go - why wasn't anyone else taking this seriously?
I turned towards a window and saw Jesus - he came floating in and had stopped in front of me. It felt like time was standing still and it was just us - everything else had faded away. He was looking at me with such an intensity in his eyes. He raised his arm and began to reach towards me with the palm of his hand. I lifted my arm up and our hands connected. There was a powerful connection for just a few seconds before he began to pull away. I remember feeling frightened and thinking "no, don't leave me". I didn't want that connection or peaceful feeling to end. He looked at me then as if to say "it's okay, I'm coming again soon, go let them know" and with that he floated away. And I woke up.
I emailed my sister and explained my dream to her. She is very wise and I knew that she would be able to understand what it meant. I don't think it was very long after I sent her the email before she called me - she understood couldn't wait to tell me.
She believed that I was wearing my wedding dress because I was dressed as Christ's bride and this represented that I was ready for His return. Everyone else was running around, not paying attention, not ready, not prepared. She thought Jesus was telling me - you get it, you're ready but so many others are not - go and let them know - I am coming again soon! That was a lot to take in. Me? Small, little, insignificant me - he wanted me to do this? I just didn't understand.
Here's the other part I don't understand though - how could I have forgotten that dream? A God moment that powerful and it had been pushed way into the back of my memory. I have had many God moments over the past few years and sadly enough I have forgotten about them as well. They make such a huge impact on me at the time and then in the busyness of life they take a back seat until they slip into to the back of my mind.
I'm in the middle of another "God thing" right now and it is powerful, exciting and so very scary all at the same time ~ but that is the topic for another post. For now I'm focusing on this ~ "It's a God thing ~ I don't understand ~ but I'm trying to"
As I was searching the biblegateway website for the word "understand" I found these verses from Matthew where Jesus is explaining the parable of the sower (taken from The Message).
"Study this story of the farmer planting seed. When anyone hears news of the kingdom and doesn't take it in, it just remains on the surface, and so the Evil One comes along and plucks it right out of that person's heart. This is the seed the farmer scatters on the road.
"The seed cast in the gravel ~ this is the person who hears and instantly responds with enthusiasm. But there is no soil of character, and so when the emotions wear off and some difficulty arrives, there is nothing to show for it.
"The seed cast in the weeds is the person who hears the kingdom news, but weeds of worry and illusions about getting more and wanting everything under the sun strangle what was heard, and nothing comes of it.
"The seed cast on good earth is the person who hears and takes in the News, and then produces a harvest beyond his wildest dreams." Matthew 13:18-23
Because I was raised in a Christian home I don't know that I have really been the "road". I have been the "gravel" and I have been the "weeds". Right now I want to be the good earth ~ to produce a harvest beyond my wildest dreams!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010: No Matter What
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
I have always loved this verse. Whenever I was unsure about my future it would comfort me and remind me not to worry, that God has it all under control and He will guide me in the right direction.
As I was reading this verse the other day I "heard" it in a completely different way. And to be honest, it scared me. God is asking us to trust Him ~ not just "yes God, I trust you" but "I trust you completely - not just in some areas of my life - but in every area of my life" . And that's not all. He asks us to trust Him with all of our heart. Not just some - all of it.
And then there is the "lean not on your own understanding". This past weekend reality smacked me right between the eyes. I have cancer. Statistically speaking I will not survive this cancer. You would think after dealing with this for almost four years now it wouldn't hit me as such a shock. But it does. When this happens I try to take control of my life. I beg, plead and rationalize with God about what I want to happen. This time He reminded me "lean not on your own understanding".
My response was that I want to understand ~ help me to understand ~ why??? Deep down I already knew the answer. I'm not supposed to understand. There are some things in this life that we will never understand. That is why the verse starts by asking us to trust Him with all our heart ~ because He knows that our small earthly minds are not able to comprehend His plans for us.
For the past couple weeks the song No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts has been going through my head ~ especially the chorus ~
No matter what, I’m gonna love You ~ no matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not ~ I’ll trust You ~ no matter what.
That sums it all up for me. I may not always understand or even agree with the plans God has for me, but I will love Him, need Him and trust Him. No matter what.
I have always loved this verse. Whenever I was unsure about my future it would comfort me and remind me not to worry, that God has it all under control and He will guide me in the right direction.
As I was reading this verse the other day I "heard" it in a completely different way. And to be honest, it scared me. God is asking us to trust Him ~ not just "yes God, I trust you" but "I trust you completely - not just in some areas of my life - but in every area of my life" . And that's not all. He asks us to trust Him with all of our heart. Not just some - all of it.
And then there is the "lean not on your own understanding". This past weekend reality smacked me right between the eyes. I have cancer. Statistically speaking I will not survive this cancer. You would think after dealing with this for almost four years now it wouldn't hit me as such a shock. But it does. When this happens I try to take control of my life. I beg, plead and rationalize with God about what I want to happen. This time He reminded me "lean not on your own understanding".
My response was that I want to understand ~ help me to understand ~ why??? Deep down I already knew the answer. I'm not supposed to understand. There are some things in this life that we will never understand. That is why the verse starts by asking us to trust Him with all our heart ~ because He knows that our small earthly minds are not able to comprehend His plans for us.
For the past couple weeks the song No Matter What by Kerrie Roberts has been going through my head ~ especially the chorus ~
No matter what, I’m gonna love You ~ no matter what I’m gonna need You
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain
But if not ~ I’ll trust You ~ no matter what.
That sums it all up for me. I may not always understand or even agree with the plans God has for me, but I will love Him, need Him and trust Him. No matter what.
Saturday, August 28, 2010: Peacefully Afraid
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Psalm 139: 1-6
I have never been able to grasp the concept that God is everywhere, all the time, for everyone. I don't think my earthly mind will ever be able to comprehend that. Part of me is overwhelmed at the thought. There is nowhere I can go that He can't see me. When I do things that I know God wouldn't approve of I tend to stop thinking about Him. My small brain rationalizes that if I can't see Him than He can't see me.
Have you ever played hide and seek with a little child? They will go and "hide" right in the middle of a room, but, they cover their eyes. In their mind "I can't see them so they can't see me". I always laughed when my kids did this. I would walk around pretending that I couldn't find them and they would giggle, uncover their eyes and say "here I am mommy!" I remember thinking "someday they will figure out that even though they can't see me, I can still see them".
I wonder how long God has been thinking this way about me. I can just imagine Him lovingly saying "you can close your eyes, keep your mind busy and focus on anything other than Me but I never, ever take my eyes off of you.
God has been pursuing me for quite a while. Every time I would turn on music there would be a song that was speaking directly to my heart. I would initially think "wow, God did that just for me" but then I would quickly change the channel or turn the music off. I didn't want to be that close to Him. If I became that close to Him then He would allow more bad things to happen in my life. After all, just before being diagnosed with cancer I had prayed for Him to "mess with me" - to do whatever it took to bring me closer to Him.
He wouldn't give up though. The songs continued, scriptures jumped out at me and I started reading devotional books that felt like they had been written just for me. Everything I was seeing and hearing brought it all into focus. God wasn't pursuing me to bring more pain to my life - He is pursuing me because He loves me. No strings attached. He created me and He knows what is best for me. If more suffering lies ahead I would rather go through it with God than try to struggle through it on my own in a state of denial.
One of the books I'm reading right now is The Purpose Driven Life. It has helped me to realize that God created me for a reason, there is so much more to life than the here and now, and this world is not my home. It's not about me - it's all for Him. I just finished reading day 12 and it was very powerful. The topic was "I'm as close to God as I choose to be".
One paragraph really jumped out at me - "Pain is the fuel of passion - it energizes us with an intensity to change that we don't normally possess". That is so completely true. The times that I have grown the most in my relationship with God have been during the times of trials and suffering. They were the times that everything in my life was completely out of my hands. The only area I had control of was surrendering everything to Him. As the trials slowly fade away though I start taking control back and before I know it I have taken everything back into my own tightly grasped hands. I'm starting to understand that when my hands are closed over my problems I'm pushing God out and also preventing the blessings that He wants to give me. I'm so focused on my grip that nothing else matters.
What I want more than anything else is to have a close authentic relationship with God. I want to be aware of His presence all the time - as if He were literally standing right next to me - during good times and bad times. I know this won't just happen on its own. It will take a long time (even a lifetime) and I will make mistakes, lots of them. I still have fears of what the future may hold, but I'm not holding onto those fears. I gave those fears to God and in return He gave me His peace.
I'm not sure but I think God wants me to share this journey through this blog. I initially thought He wanted me to bring the good news to those who have not heard it. But maybe there are a lot of you out there that are a lot like me - we have heard the good news but we've forgotten it.
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:11-12
I have never been able to grasp the concept that God is everywhere, all the time, for everyone. I don't think my earthly mind will ever be able to comprehend that. Part of me is overwhelmed at the thought. There is nowhere I can go that He can't see me. When I do things that I know God wouldn't approve of I tend to stop thinking about Him. My small brain rationalizes that if I can't see Him than He can't see me.
Have you ever played hide and seek with a little child? They will go and "hide" right in the middle of a room, but, they cover their eyes. In their mind "I can't see them so they can't see me". I always laughed when my kids did this. I would walk around pretending that I couldn't find them and they would giggle, uncover their eyes and say "here I am mommy!" I remember thinking "someday they will figure out that even though they can't see me, I can still see them".
I wonder how long God has been thinking this way about me. I can just imagine Him lovingly saying "you can close your eyes, keep your mind busy and focus on anything other than Me but I never, ever take my eyes off of you.
God has been pursuing me for quite a while. Every time I would turn on music there would be a song that was speaking directly to my heart. I would initially think "wow, God did that just for me" but then I would quickly change the channel or turn the music off. I didn't want to be that close to Him. If I became that close to Him then He would allow more bad things to happen in my life. After all, just before being diagnosed with cancer I had prayed for Him to "mess with me" - to do whatever it took to bring me closer to Him.
He wouldn't give up though. The songs continued, scriptures jumped out at me and I started reading devotional books that felt like they had been written just for me. Everything I was seeing and hearing brought it all into focus. God wasn't pursuing me to bring more pain to my life - He is pursuing me because He loves me. No strings attached. He created me and He knows what is best for me. If more suffering lies ahead I would rather go through it with God than try to struggle through it on my own in a state of denial.
One of the books I'm reading right now is The Purpose Driven Life. It has helped me to realize that God created me for a reason, there is so much more to life than the here and now, and this world is not my home. It's not about me - it's all for Him. I just finished reading day 12 and it was very powerful. The topic was "I'm as close to God as I choose to be".
One paragraph really jumped out at me - "Pain is the fuel of passion - it energizes us with an intensity to change that we don't normally possess". That is so completely true. The times that I have grown the most in my relationship with God have been during the times of trials and suffering. They were the times that everything in my life was completely out of my hands. The only area I had control of was surrendering everything to Him. As the trials slowly fade away though I start taking control back and before I know it I have taken everything back into my own tightly grasped hands. I'm starting to understand that when my hands are closed over my problems I'm pushing God out and also preventing the blessings that He wants to give me. I'm so focused on my grip that nothing else matters.
What I want more than anything else is to have a close authentic relationship with God. I want to be aware of His presence all the time - as if He were literally standing right next to me - during good times and bad times. I know this won't just happen on its own. It will take a long time (even a lifetime) and I will make mistakes, lots of them. I still have fears of what the future may hold, but I'm not holding onto those fears. I gave those fears to God and in return He gave me His peace.
I'm not sure but I think God wants me to share this journey through this blog. I initially thought He wanted me to bring the good news to those who have not heard it. But maybe there are a lot of you out there that are a lot like me - we have heard the good news but we've forgotten it.
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give you thanks forever. Psalm 30:11-12
Sunday, August 22, 2010: A New Journey . . .
About a month ago I was visiting a neighbor that was in the hospital. She had battled cancer 4 1/2 years ago and now it was back. And it was bad. Although I didn't know her very well we had a connection - the cancer connection. When she talked to me she would often stop and say "you understand" and I would smile and say "yes, I do". Cancer brings ugly moments to our lives. Talking about these moments with someone who has "been there, done that" helps. It reminds that we are not alone. And we know that they understand. All too well.
I really didn't know much about Liz but the one thing I did know was that she said it like it was. She wasn't afraid to share her opinion with you. Although I respected this about her ~ it also intimidated me. I was afraid that if I shared something that she didn't agree with she may yell at me. Well, she wouldn't yell at me ~ she would simply state why she didn't agree with me but in my mind she would be telling me that I was wrong. And there would be conflict. I hate conflict. Yes, I have issues, but that is an entirely different story.
So, when God prompted me to share some bible verses with her at the hospital I was really nervous. During a previous visit she had told me that although she knew how important my faith was to me she wasn't in that same place. It was clear that she didn't want me to talk about anything "religious" but that she just needed someone to listen. So that's what I did.
On the way to the hospital my heart was pounding. I knew God wanted me to read her the verses but I was afraid that I was going to upset her or that I would chicken out. Thankfully, I didn't. At the end of our visit I asked her if it would be okay if I read her a couple verses from the bible. She smiled and said "yes". Phew!! The verses that I shared with her are from Romans 10:
That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (Verse 9)
How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" (Verse 14-15)
After I read the verses I told Liz that God had put it on my heart to read those verses to her. I wanted her to know the good news of salvation and that God wanted my 'beautiful feet' to be the ones to bring this good news to her.
I didn't realize it then but He didn't just want her to hear those verses ~ He wanted me to hear them as well. It would take me another month or so to figure all this out. A month with a lot of thinking, praying, denying, tears, acceptance and a great big "a ha!" moment.
I have been to four funerals in the past four months. Funerals are such a vivid reminder of how temporary our lives are. Instead of letting these funerals remind me of this and how important it is to share the good news I let the enemy use them to get inside my head and my heart. I gave up, I shut down, I figured "what's the point?" I could hear God calling me, especially through music, but I just tuned out. God wouldn't give up on me though - He just kept chipping away at the wall that I had put up.
I have finally taken my ear plugs out and I am listening. My wall has been taken down but I know it is still close by ready to be pulled around me like a security blanket. If only my earthly mind could comprehend how much better it is to be wrapped in God's love.
I started this blog as a place to share the "good news" and what God is teaching me. My life is messy but being a Christian and following God can be a messy thing. Today I choose to be the hands and feet of Jesus - my hands to type and my feet to bring good news. I'm not sure where God is leading me with this but I know a new journey has begun. I'm not naive - I know there are struggles ahead. Lots of struggles. But, the final battle has already been won.
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:57-58
I really didn't know much about Liz but the one thing I did know was that she said it like it was. She wasn't afraid to share her opinion with you. Although I respected this about her ~ it also intimidated me. I was afraid that if I shared something that she didn't agree with she may yell at me. Well, she wouldn't yell at me ~ she would simply state why she didn't agree with me but in my mind she would be telling me that I was wrong. And there would be conflict. I hate conflict. Yes, I have issues, but that is an entirely different story.
So, when God prompted me to share some bible verses with her at the hospital I was really nervous. During a previous visit she had told me that although she knew how important my faith was to me she wasn't in that same place. It was clear that she didn't want me to talk about anything "religious" but that she just needed someone to listen. So that's what I did.
On the way to the hospital my heart was pounding. I knew God wanted me to read her the verses but I was afraid that I was going to upset her or that I would chicken out. Thankfully, I didn't. At the end of our visit I asked her if it would be okay if I read her a couple verses from the bible. She smiled and said "yes". Phew!! The verses that I shared with her are from Romans 10:
That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. (Verse 9)
How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, "How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!" (Verse 14-15)
After I read the verses I told Liz that God had put it on my heart to read those verses to her. I wanted her to know the good news of salvation and that God wanted my 'beautiful feet' to be the ones to bring this good news to her.
I didn't realize it then but He didn't just want her to hear those verses ~ He wanted me to hear them as well. It would take me another month or so to figure all this out. A month with a lot of thinking, praying, denying, tears, acceptance and a great big "a ha!" moment.
I have been to four funerals in the past four months. Funerals are such a vivid reminder of how temporary our lives are. Instead of letting these funerals remind me of this and how important it is to share the good news I let the enemy use them to get inside my head and my heart. I gave up, I shut down, I figured "what's the point?" I could hear God calling me, especially through music, but I just tuned out. God wouldn't give up on me though - He just kept chipping away at the wall that I had put up.
I have finally taken my ear plugs out and I am listening. My wall has been taken down but I know it is still close by ready to be pulled around me like a security blanket. If only my earthly mind could comprehend how much better it is to be wrapped in God's love.
I started this blog as a place to share the "good news" and what God is teaching me. My life is messy but being a Christian and following God can be a messy thing. Today I choose to be the hands and feet of Jesus - my hands to type and my feet to bring good news. I'm not sure where God is leading me with this but I know a new journey has begun. I'm not naive - I know there are struggles ahead. Lots of struggles. But, the final battle has already been won.
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33
"But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourself fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:57-58
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